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Thanksgiving 2006

I'm thankful for...

It's Thanksgiving time again and, as the world implies, time for thanksgiving. In fact, what with the president and a bunch of camel jammers sitting on our oil and the Koreans waving their dongs at us in the global picture window, we may want to take a little thanks back. Still, each of us has a few things that he or she is personally thankful for. Maybe we don't know who to thank for them, but that, actually, is one more thing to be thankful about, since it mans that nobody will be coming around looking to get thanked. Anyhow, I hereby endeavor to give my own list of gratuities:

  • I'm thankful I'm not a foreigner, because then I'd speak a foreign language, and I wouldn't know what the hell I was talking about.
  • I'm thankful I'm not a woman, because if I were a woman, I'd have to do it with men, and men are all sweaty and hairy and lumpy looking--either that or be a lesbian, and I don't have the boobs for that.
  • I'm thankful I'm not gay, because that would be like being a woman but without those boobs.
  • I'm thankful I don't come from wealthy family, because people who come from wealthy families go to Harvard, Yale, or Princeton, and people who go to Harvard, Yale, or Princeton can't hold their liquor and never get laid by truck-stop waitresses.
  • I'm thankful I've been able to think up a reason for being thankful I don't come from wealthy family, because it makes me feel better about my lousy tennis and the fact that I can't play golf.
  • I'm thankful I I'm not a teenager today, because when I was a teenager I could get any girls to be with me, but that wasn't so bad, because they weren't with anyone else either, but if I were a teenager today and still couldn't get any girls, then I'd really feel terrible, because nowadays girls will be with anyone who moves. Also, I'm thankful I'm too old to get drafted.
  • I'm thankful I have a gun, because there are more that six billion people in the world, and how many of them make more than twenty grand a year? Ten percent? Five percent? Anyway, there are at least five billion eight hundred and twenty-five million people out there who are what I'd call poor. Sooner or later they're going to wise up. I'd be nuts not to have a gun.

And I'm thankful for lots of other stuff, too, like those ball-point pens that will write in butter, and I'm thankful I don't have to write in butter very often, and I'm thankful that bugs aren't bigger than we are and the IRS can't read your mind and that Italians don't have a third eye in the middle of their foreheads and I'm especially thankful I didn't run out of gin before this article post was finished.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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Paul Altobelli

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